Slowly but surely I am moving toward Honduras ….it feels more slowly than surely right now…..(Patience test, duly noted, God. Lol). The lack of faith and amount of stress that have engulfed me this past week, have been unreal. Not being able to sleep at night, thinking of all I have to do and being tormented with not seeing How this, this, and this, will possibly be able to work out in time, and things not moving fast enough, and trying to raise enough support, coordinating flights, packing everything up here…..etc. I’m going crazy. And then I saw this quote that said something about “Stress is what happens when you are trying to do/control it all yourself, instead of letting God.” That hit home. How did I get to the point where I took the reigns from God and instead of letting him drive, I decided to get out front and try to pull the horses all by myself? And not just the horses, but the whole darn, packed to the brim, stage coach as well. Because I can do it. Because it needs to go faster. Yeah….that doesn’t work. How foolish can I be? What a ridiculous thought. And yet, That is exactly what I’m doing. How hurtful to God, to have to watch me stand out there and struggle and sweat, and weep, and stress and strain, and get nowhere, all because I think I know best. When he can, and should, be the one doing it, and easily.
Me: God this mountain that I’m fighting is so big. It’s a MOUNTAIN. It’s HUGE! God, this is so hard. I can’t handle this. I feel like I am in the dark and you aren’t helping me anymore. Why? Why is this happening? I feel like you don’t understand. I don’t know what to do right now. I feel like we were doing so good and then, it stopped. Something changed. It got hard. I stopped hearing your voice, you stopped holding me. Sometimes I feel like my mountains are too big for you. God, I am SO tired of fighting to get through this. Sometimes I wonder if you’ve just become tired of dealing with my mountains, and stopped. I just want to know, where did you go?
God: Corey, mountains bow at my command. I set the stars in the heavens and I call them each by name. I am the all-powerful ruler of the earth and the universe in which it spins. I can handle this. And because I love you, I’ll take care of this so you don’t have to. Because you’re right, you can’t.
Stop trying to handle it yourself. You have no idea how futile your efforts are. You try to do it on your own and you simply dig yourself deeper and deeper into a hole. And so you sit in the bottom of this cold dark hole and ask yourself where I am. You ask yourself what you did that made me leave you. And then you beome angry at me for leaving, for putting this immovable obstacle in your path and then just leaving you to struggle by yourself. Corey, you have no right to think that I would ever leave you. I didnt leave. You did. Without a second thought you let go of my hand, hopped down to the bottom of the mountain and started working away at it. And then you started to realize just how big it was and how you were going nowhere but down. And then you cried out to me. I am answering you, Corey. I always answer you and I am always right here beside you. But when things are going good, you tend to set that fact aside because you think you’ve got it under control. But you don’t. Corey, this is Life we are talking about. It is way bigger than you. It is more than you can handle. So stop trying, you only make yourself lost and confused. Just take my hand. I promise to always do what’s best for you. I promise to uphold you and carry you through every mountain and every storm that ever comes your way. I will never fail. It will not be easy, you know that. And sometimes, in the thick of the storm, your way is going to seem a whole lot better, and make a whole lot more sense to you than mine will. But don’t let go of my hand. I am always doing the absolute best for you. I am protecting you from more than you know is out there to harm you. The way I lead you, is the way in which you can grow and thrive unlike you could on any other path. And all of the things I take you through are to bring you closer to me. Because I love you. I. Love. You.
“Oh God forgive my self centered foolishness. Forgive me my doubt and disrespect. You can drive. As I lay here weeping and tired from the struggle, this struggle that I have brought upon myself, forgive me. What? You want to wipe the tears from my face, and bandage my blistered hands? No, God. I don’t deserve that. I did this to myself, I’ll be ok.” Wait, I need to let this go. I need to let him take controll. I need to let him heal me. I need to let him love me. I need to let him forgive me, completely. What a blessing that we have such a gracious and loving Father, in Christ. And what a comfort to know that his way and his time are always best, because he loves us and he is good!